Becoming an American in America (Part I) OR Hell-of-a-time

They changed the INS name in 2003. As the government felt that INS is not a long enough acronym, probably after having a congress subcomittee discussing this for 7 years, they changed the name from INS, or Immigration and Naturalization Service, to USCIS – United States Citizenship and Immigration Services. This is the same as when the devil tried to change the name from ‘Hell’ to ‘Underworld’ just in order to ‘rebrand it’ – but hell is still hell.

I believe the phrase – going to hell and back, was coined about the naturalization process. And like hell, there are demons, whose sole job on this earth is to torment other regular mortals.

Back in February of 2005 I drove all the way to a place that would best be described as a hellhole (coincidence?). Many other poor souls were circling the building like zombies – no one truly wanted to get in, but we all had sold our souls to the devil before, and now we just had to. The souls were strolling aimlessly around the building, all thinking ‘what have I done to deserve this?’
After an intimate experience with the first demon manifested as a large security guard named Bubba, I sat there with the rest of the terrorized souls. People from all over the world were there, all regretting that moment they became involved with Satan.

One by one we were called for the test, but not before we were treated like the lowly maggots that we are. Officer Lucifer came and took me away. The officer had the unique combination of kindness of a Marine drill sergeant with the wisdom of a retarded ameba.
I had quite an experience and having worked in marketing research, I think a study is due here. After all, there are only millions of Immigrants going through this first experience with the American government and it is critical to know how the process goes for them, right?
So I wrote up a survey to measure satisfaction or rather unsatisfaction of the experience. Here are the key questions in the spirit of the naturalization process:

American Naturalization Satisfaction Survey

Date: 8/2005

Dear new American Citizen,
We are conducting a short survey (137 pages long) in order to learn more about your experience with the process of naturalization with INS or USCIS, or whatever we decide to call ourselves – got a problem with that?

We’d appreciate your honest feedback (but remember, we know where you live, and you’re not a real citizen after all, so watch it!).
This is not a voluntary survey, mind you. You must complete this survey in the next 7 hours, copy it 13 times and send it to us along with $700 survey acceptance fee, 8 passport photos with your right ear revealed forward… wait… correction – 8 photos from the bottom up of your face revealing the inside of your nose… wait… correction – your left nostril shadowed and your face upside down. Yes, let’s do that – left nostril shadowed and face upside down.

DO NOT TAKE A REGULAR PHOTO and just turn it upside down. We have systems in the pentagon that we invested hundred of millions of dollars in that can find out if you were just applying gel to your hair to make it look like it’s falling – WE WILL KNOW.

DO NOT QUESTION THE LOGIC OF THIS PHOTO EITHER – we are the government, so do not fuck with us.

There is a great chance your survey will be lost, so keep a copy and be prepared to send it again with 13 new copies. Because we’re nice, you’d have to pay only $500 for the second time.
Thank you for your cooperation,
The devil and Co.

1) Our records show that you have been finally naturalized on 5/21/2005. Using your citizenship test knowledge, in what administration did your naturalization process begin?
○ Reagan Administration
○ Carter Administration
○ Ford Administration
● I forget, but sometimes before Taft…
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31b) How would you rate your overall experience with the naturalization process?

○ Excellent
○ Good
● Would prefer to be slowly eaten alive by Piranha
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74F-II/D) How would you rate the experience you had with the INS officer in your interview?

○ Excellent
○ Good
● Have you seen the movie ‘Misery’? Kathy Bates character’s evil twin
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124c) Would you recommend the naturalization experience to friends and relatives?

○ Would Definitely Recommend
○ Would probably Recommend
● Would definitely recommend to cousin Shlomo (I didn’t forget how he stole my money and my first girlfriend, so it’s time for him to see how it feels to get screwed over… mwahahahah)
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171a) What did you like best about the process?

____The green color of the chairs in the waiting room was nice and much needed. Using the calming green color is very effective, much like in a mental institution.____

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171w) What did you like least about the process?
____I’ll send you Volume I (A-Abuse – C-Cruel Officer) shortly.___