Becoming an American in America (Part I) OR Hell-of-a-time

They changed the INS name in 2003. As the government felt that INS is not a long enough acronym, probably after having a congress subcomittee discussing this for 7 years, they changed the name from INS, or Immigration and Naturalization Service, to USCIS – United States Citizenship and Immigration Services. This is the same as when the devil tried to change the name from ‘Hell’ to ‘Underworld’ just in order to ‘rebrand it’ – but hell is still hell.

I believe the phrase – going to hell and back, was coined about the naturalization process. And like hell, there are demons, whose sole job on this earth is to torment other regular mortals.

Back in February of 2005 I drove all the way to a place that would best be described as a hellhole (coincidence?). Many other poor souls were circling the building like zombies – no one truly wanted to get in, but we all had sold our souls to the devil before, and now we just had to. The souls were strolling aimlessly around the building, all thinking ‘what have I done to deserve this?’
After an intimate experience with the first demon manifested as a large security guard named Bubba, I sat there with the rest of the terrorized souls. People from all over the world were there, all regretting that moment they became involved with Satan.

One by one we were called for the test, but not before we were treated like the lowly maggots that we are. Officer Lucifer came and took me away. The officer had the unique combination of kindness of a Marine drill sergeant with the wisdom of a retarded ameba.
I had quite an experience and having worked in marketing research, I think a study is due here. After all, there are only millions of Immigrants going through this first experience with the American government and it is critical to know how the process goes for them, right?
So I wrote up a survey to measure satisfaction or rather unsatisfaction of the experience. Here are the key questions in the spirit of the naturalization process:

American Naturalization Satisfaction Survey

Date: 8/2005

Dear new American Citizen,
We are conducting a short survey (137 pages long) in order to learn more about your experience with the process of naturalization with INS or USCIS, or whatever we decide to call ourselves – got a problem with that?

We’d appreciate your honest feedback (but remember, we know where you live, and you’re not a real citizen after all, so watch it!).
This is not a voluntary survey, mind you. You must complete this survey in the next 7 hours, copy it 13 times and send it to us along with $700 survey acceptance fee, 8 passport photos with your right ear revealed forward… wait… correction – 8 photos from the bottom up of your face revealing the inside of your nose… wait… correction – your left nostril shadowed and your face upside down. Yes, let’s do that – left nostril shadowed and face upside down.

DO NOT TAKE A REGULAR PHOTO and just turn it upside down. We have systems in the pentagon that we invested hundred of millions of dollars in that can find out if you were just applying gel to your hair to make it look like it’s falling – WE WILL KNOW.

DO NOT QUESTION THE LOGIC OF THIS PHOTO EITHER – we are the government, so do not fuck with us.

There is a great chance your survey will be lost, so keep a copy and be prepared to send it again with 13 new copies. Because we’re nice, you’d have to pay only $500 for the second time.
Thank you for your cooperation,
The devil and Co.

1) Our records show that you have been finally naturalized on 5/21/2005. Using your citizenship test knowledge, in what administration did your naturalization process begin?
○ Reagan Administration
○ Carter Administration
○ Ford Administration
● I forget, but sometimes before Taft…
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31b) How would you rate your overall experience with the naturalization process?

○ Excellent
○ Good
● Would prefer to be slowly eaten alive by Piranha
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74F-II/D) How would you rate the experience you had with the INS officer in your interview?

○ Excellent
○ Good
● Have you seen the movie ‘Misery’? Kathy Bates character’s evil twin
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124c) Would you recommend the naturalization experience to friends and relatives?

○ Would Definitely Recommend
○ Would probably Recommend
● Would definitely recommend to cousin Shlomo (I didn’t forget how he stole my money and my first girlfriend, so it’s time for him to see how it feels to get screwed over… mwahahahah)
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171a) What did you like best about the process?

____The green color of the chairs in the waiting room was nice and much needed. Using the calming green color is very effective, much like in a mental institution.____

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171w) What did you like least about the process?
____I’ll send you Volume I (A-Abuse – C-Cruel Officer) shortly.___

Naturally Blogging in America – OR, Why?

From as far back as I remember, which is weird as I’m not sure what I had to eat for lunch today, I had the impression that I would fit in in America – I felt closer to the philosophy, the liberal values, the chances, the sky (and therefore the limit). I’m not sure why – who does? And yet, I didn’t really become American by just landing in Boston. Not even close. I wasn’t exactly Israeli either - an immigrant, a foreigner; that floating existence between here and there. Locked between one world and another – just like Patrick Swayze in Ghost (only I still have a career).


That’s also the treatment I got. Unlike most Israelis, somehow when I speak English it doesn’t sound like I have marbles in my mouth. I do have an accent, but just not enough for anyone to recognize where I’m from. So I’m usually placed by Americans in that highly specific geographic region of the world – ‘the rest of the world’, or ‘not here’. In the past eight years I’ve been a Mexican, an Iraqi, a Russian, an Arab and many others - a true citizen of the world. A mild accent and not being completely white will do that to you. But thank God, or congress, my wife is a U.S. citizen and therefore I had the privilege of starting the process of becoming formally an American, what the powers call - naturalization. I don’t want to over stretch this now, but this is a process that puts the ‘tic’ in bureaucratic (one that is attached to one’s neck and sucks the blood directly and efficiently from the vein). This is a process that puts the preparation for the Apollo 11 mission to shame. Columbus reached America without a steamboat faster than this process. There’s a good chance that Haitians and Cubans who try to swim to the U.S. shore actually choose that option instead of going through this experience.


In the citizenship test, as part of the trial by fire initiation to become an American, the correct answers to the question: ‘Name some benefits of becoming an American’ are: ‘Travel with a U.S. passport’, ‘Obtaining government jobs’ and the ‘Ability to petition close family members to become U.S. citizens’. Well, I already had a passport, I never planned on ever becoming a cop or secretary of agriculture, and my mom is here a lot anyway. Conspicuously enough, voting and affecting the government is not listed as one of those benefits. Maybe this has to do with the 2000 elections – voting is not a benefit for any American.


There I was thinking: would that day of becoming formally a citizen make everything different? Would I become an average American all of a sudden? Would I start saying wrong things to my wife and buy flowers and jewelry to apologize for that? Would I feel different? Would I leave the swearing-in ceremony some 30 pounds heavier? Would I forget all geography? Or would baseball look so much better? All signs pointed to no. So the whole official process didn’t look promising – a passport wouldn’t have done it.


For years, I went through this vicious circle of hell of the formal naturalization. Fast forward (in warp speed), and finally in 2005 I became a formally naturalized U.S. citizen. But do I really feel natural here now? Is there another way to be part of it all? Do I need a secret password? Can I ever belong here? How do I get there? Can I get there from here? What’s with all the questions? And if Mickey’s a mouse and Pluto’s a dog, what is Goofy?


So why am I writing this? There were a few million other immigrants coming to the U.S. in the past few years, a few of them actually legal. Some of them not through tunnels, and a full dozen without bullets zooming over their ears by Southern Arizona self-proclaimed vigilantes. Couldn’t all they have written a blog about being in America? Why do I need the narcissistic potential attention of people peeking into my life? Well, for one, I am formally an American now, and as I don’t drive an SUV that sucks the life out of Earth itself, I need to do something to keep my natural citizen status alive. And secondly, I write this mostly for me, (considering the off-chance that anyone other than me actually ever reads this). Maybe I’ll never feel really totally natural. Maybe no person living outside the caves does. But maybe I’ll figure out if that’s possible at all.


So come with me on a magical journey across America (relax and don’t contact me about that - I don’t have any drugs!). In this journey we’ll explore the innate and learned cultural, psychological and anthropological differences between people around the world and how they compare to Americans. We will peel the layers of these differences to get closer to the core of the truth - that with all these differences, all people are the same – all people everywhere are hilariously ridiculous.