Americans buy a tremendous amount of fireworks - legally and illegally, from small ones that whistle like cute little birds, to large explosives that create medium-sized craters in Earth itself. This is of course different than most countries in the world, where you generally cannot buy from a store or a drifter in an intersection dynamite-based explosives. Well, except of maybe Iraq. Please note that in small and large cities across the entire country there are multiple firework displays throughout the July 4th night that are managed by professionals. But for Americans, that is not enough. They must celebrate freedom themselves. The freedom of not being able to name the 3 branches of government or their congressman, but still. All this is because for Americans, nothing means celebrating American independence like blowing up a small part of it.
And as birthday office-greetings in the United States go…
Hey, I’m so glad I ran into you here. Happy birthday, America! How old? 232?! You don’t look a day over 220…
So what are you doing this year? Oh, taking the day off – that’s great. Any big plans? Inviting any friends over? Oh, you’re not in speaking terms with most anymore after your last fight, huh? That’s a tough one…
Well, I’m sure Israel will come – she’s always desperate to be invited to any party. And Mexico will probably crash the party anyway – if you invite him or not. How about other neighbors? Canada maybe? Watching the hockey game, right… How about Zimbabwe? You both have so much in common – you don’t care about the constitution any longer and your money is worth crap now. How about UK? I know, it’s always awkward to have your in-laws there…
What? What happened? Why are you crying? That’s not true, you have many friends here… I don’t think everyone hates you… they’re just… a bit annoyed, you know?
You really want to know? Well, I guess it’s related to you fighting with others all the time. I mean – the fight you had with Iraq, since when? Your 227th birthday or something – do you even remember why it started? And you know that you always eat everything in the cafeteria and then just leave the garbage in your office? It stinks the whole building, and people are talking about that…
But I wouldn’t say hate. They still look up to you. They still try to be like you. You got the card, right? You see? We passed it around and most wanted to sign their name. Right – North Korea didn’t. That surprises you? He’ll probably throw a tantrum today too, just to get some of the attention.
Why don’t you go home early today to start the celebration already? You’re working more hours than anyone else here anyway. You deserve it. Go, drink something, maybe look at some pictures of your early years and think about how you got to here.
No, don’t go to the mall to buy something – that will cheer you up for a minute and you’ll regret it later – you can’t afford getting into more debt!
Ok, let me give you a hug. Here you go. Come later, we have a nice cake for you, with all the candles and funny toys at the top. Who made it? China. So yeah – I wouldn’t touch it unless you want some lead poisoning.
1 comment:
Very interesting take...
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