Becoming an American in America (Part I) OR Hell-of-a-time

They changed the INS name in 2003. As the government felt that INS is not a long enough acronym, probably after having a congress subcomittee discussing this for 7 years, they changed the name from INS, or Immigration and Naturalization Service, to USCIS – United States Citizenship and Immigration Services. This is the same as when the devil tried to change the name from ‘Hell’ to ‘Underworld’ just in order to ‘rebrand it’ – but hell is still hell.

I believe the phrase – going to hell and back, was coined about the naturalization process. And like hell, there are demons, whose sole job on this earth is to torment other regular mortals.

Back in February of 2005 I drove all the way to a place that would best be described as a hellhole (coincidence?). Many other poor souls were circling the building like zombies – no one truly wanted to get in, but we all had sold our souls to the devil before, and now we just had to. The souls were strolling aimlessly around the building, all thinking ‘what have I done to deserve this?’
After an intimate experience with the first demon manifested as a large security guard named Bubba, I sat there with the rest of the terrorized souls. People from all over the world were there, all regretting that moment they became involved with Satan.

One by one we were called for the test, but not before we were treated like the lowly maggots that we are. Officer Lucifer came and took me away. The officer had the unique combination of kindness of a Marine drill sergeant with the wisdom of a retarded ameba.
I had quite an experience and having worked in marketing research, I think a study is due here. After all, there are only millions of Immigrants going through this first experience with the American government and it is critical to know how the process goes for them, right?
So I wrote up a survey to measure satisfaction or rather unsatisfaction of the experience. Here are the key questions in the spirit of the naturalization process:

American Naturalization Satisfaction Survey

Date: 8/2005

Dear new American Citizen,
We are conducting a short survey (137 pages long) in order to learn more about your experience with the process of naturalization with INS or USCIS, or whatever we decide to call ourselves – got a problem with that?

We’d appreciate your honest feedback (but remember, we know where you live, and you’re not a real citizen after all, so watch it!).
This is not a voluntary survey, mind you. You must complete this survey in the next 7 hours, copy it 13 times and send it to us along with $700 survey acceptance fee, 8 passport photos with your right ear revealed forward… wait… correction – 8 photos from the bottom up of your face revealing the inside of your nose… wait… correction – your left nostril shadowed and your face upside down. Yes, let’s do that – left nostril shadowed and face upside down.

DO NOT TAKE A REGULAR PHOTO and just turn it upside down. We have systems in the pentagon that we invested hundred of millions of dollars in that can find out if you were just applying gel to your hair to make it look like it’s falling – WE WILL KNOW.

DO NOT QUESTION THE LOGIC OF THIS PHOTO EITHER – we are the government, so do not fuck with us.

There is a great chance your survey will be lost, so keep a copy and be prepared to send it again with 13 new copies. Because we’re nice, you’d have to pay only $500 for the second time.
Thank you for your cooperation,
The devil and Co.

1) Our records show that you have been finally naturalized on 5/21/2005. Using your citizenship test knowledge, in what administration did your naturalization process begin?
○ Reagan Administration
○ Carter Administration
○ Ford Administration
● I forget, but sometimes before Taft…
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31b) How would you rate your overall experience with the naturalization process?

○ Excellent
○ Good
● Would prefer to be slowly eaten alive by Piranha
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74F-II/D) How would you rate the experience you had with the INS officer in your interview?

○ Excellent
○ Good
● Have you seen the movie ‘Misery’? Kathy Bates character’s evil twin
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124c) Would you recommend the naturalization experience to friends and relatives?

○ Would Definitely Recommend
○ Would probably Recommend
● Would definitely recommend to cousin Shlomo (I didn’t forget how he stole my money and my first girlfriend, so it’s time for him to see how it feels to get screwed over… mwahahahah)
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171a) What did you like best about the process?

____The green color of the chairs in the waiting room was nice and much needed. Using the calming green color is very effective, much like in a mental institution.____

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171w) What did you like least about the process?
____I’ll send you Volume I (A-Abuse – C-Cruel Officer) shortly.___

Giants in America – OR America the Giant

A couple of weeks ago I visited Yosemite National Park with my family, or as Lia likes to call it – Yoo-sammy – which I think is a much better name, and should definitely catch on. Please use it in some sentence, and forward to at least 3 friends – your luck will surely change…
On the south end of the park, we visited one of three groves of giant sequoias – the Mariposa Grove.

Giant Sequoias are the world's largest trees (in volume). They grow to an average height of 165-280 feet (50-85 meters) and 18-24 feet (6-8 meters) in diameter. They are native to the United States on the West Sierra mountains only and very few were ever cultivated outisde in the UK, Germany and such. Only the redwoods, that are also from the same family, are taller – and also can be found only in the United States. They are truly majestic beings – not only tall and wide, but they have a presence that creates an awe within anyone who sees them. We looked up with the other humans from across the entire globe, stricken by their size, magnificance and invisible aura. Jaws dropped, sighs were heard and necks were cracked.
Suddenly, a thought came into my mind - could this tree be a metaphor for the United States itself? Larger than life, towering over all the other trees, commanding the forest. Maybe simple, but it was somehow a given for me.
John Muir, an important environmentalist who helped save and create many natural areas including Yosemite wrote of the species in about 1870:

Do behold the King Sequoia! Behold! Behold! seems all I can say. Some time ago I left all for Sequoia and have been and am at his feet, fasting and praying for light, for is he not the greatest light in the woods, in the world? Where are such columns of sunshine, tangible, accessible, terrestrialized?

I can’t help again but equating some of this to what many who come to the United States feel about this country.
I later learned that with all of its majesty, the giant has surprisingly very shallow roots (about 3 feet or 1 meter deep). That’s as deep as my knee… and I lose my balance from time to time… Despite their shallow roots, sequoias are resistant to toppling because roots spread out over vast large areas - fanning out more than 150 feet (45 meters), providing a stable base to balance the massive trunk. The parallel continues…

After the first few trees in the parking area, we were walking a bit and reached the fallen monarch – a Sequia that fell down a few decades ago and is still there. Why did this giant fall?
The monarch was weakened by soil erosion, storm, and mutilation of its supporting roots by road builders, and it crashed to the ground under a heavy mantle of snow in the spring of 1927. After hundreds and hundreds of years it has been standing so majestically like its brethrens, it fell because modern life reached the park, after roads were built around it and destroyed its shallow roots. The metaphor is echoing in my head…

A sign next to the fallen giant said ‘Do not climb on tree’. A group of six young Italian men got there, who could have been characters in a movie making fun of Italians. Soccer jerseys, speaking loud Italian and smoking. They were just missing a pizza each to be stereotypical characters from a bad 80s movie. They of course quickly climbed all on the tree. After all, they might have not been able to read English. Mind you - ‘not’ is ‘non’ and ‘tree’ is ‘tri’ in Italian. You never know - maybe they assumed the sign was saying – ‘please, Italian soccer fans, climb on this dangerously-looking tree’!
They took pictures of themselves standing on the side of the tree - it could have been a caricature presenting how the Euro has won over the fallen American dollar…
A few months ago Newsweek magazine had a cover story based on a famous new book ‘The Post-American World’ with the back of the statue of liberty in the image. I looked at the fallen giant, and between the current chaotic American economy, the rising Chinese one, and overall war mess, I was thinking – are we witnessing the falling of a giant right now?
Which brings up an important philosophical question: If America falls in the forest, will the world hear it?
Or maybe there’s much time. After all, the oldest known Giant Sequoia, based on its ring count is 3,500 years old. Maybe America is one of those giants, and there are others few towering over the rest of the forest.

Much to think about. Or not… after all, these are trees, and United States is an actual nation and all. One might say these are slightly different things. Did I mention we got there at the end of a day after I was driving for about 6 hours, and that when we passed Fresno, it was 111 degrees faherenite (44 celsius)? I might have been a bit delirious, come to think of it…

Independence in America - OR An Office Birthday

So this week on July 4th, Americans will be celebrating that faithful day when the nation was founded back in Philadelphia (and not in Washington D.C., as most Americans mistakenly believe, which of course is impossible).

Americans buy a tremendous amount of fireworks - legally and illegally, from small ones that whistle like cute little birds, to large explosives that create medium-sized craters in Earth itself. This is of course different than most countries in the world, where you generally cannot buy from a store or a drifter in an intersection dynamite-based explosives. Well, except of maybe Iraq. Please note that in small and large cities across the entire country there are multiple firework displays throughout the July 4th night that are managed by professionals. But for Americans, that is not enough. They must celebrate freedom themselves. The freedom of not being able to name the 3 branches of government or their congressman, but still. All this is because for Americans, nothing means celebrating American independence like blowing up a small part of it.

And as birthday office-greetings in the United States go…
Hey, I’m so glad I ran into you here. Happy birthday, America! How old? 232?! You don’t look a day over 220…
So what are you doing this year? Oh, taking the day off – that’s great. Any big plans? Inviting any friends over? Oh, you’re not in speaking terms with most anymore after your last fight, huh? That’s a tough one…
Well, I’m sure Israel will come – she’s always desperate to be invited to any party. And Mexico will probably crash the party anyway – if you invite him or not. How about other neighbors? Canada maybe? Watching the hockey game, right… How about Zimbabwe? You both have so much in common – you don’t care about the constitution any longer and your money is worth crap now. How about UK? I know, it’s always awkward to have your in-laws there…

What? What happened? Why are you crying? That’s not true, you have many friends here… I don’t think everyone hates you… they’re just… a bit annoyed, you know?
You really want to know? Well, I guess it’s related to you fighting with others all the time. I mean – the fight you had with Iraq, since when? Your 227th birthday or something – do you even remember why it started? And you know that you always eat everything in the cafeteria and then just leave the garbage in your office? It stinks the whole building, and people are talking about that…
But I wouldn’t say hate. They still look up to you. They still try to be like you. You got the card, right? You see? We passed it around and most wanted to sign their name. Right – North Korea didn’t. That surprises you? He’ll probably throw a tantrum today too, just to get some of the attention.
Why don’t you go home early today to start the celebration already? You’re working more hours than anyone else here anyway. You deserve it. Go, drink something, maybe look at some pictures of your early years and think about how you got to here.

No, don’t go to the mall to buy something – that will cheer you up for a minute and you’ll regret it later – you can’t afford getting into more debt!
Ok, let me give you a hug. Here you go. Come later, we have a nice cake for you, with all the candles and funny toys at the top. Who made it? China. So yeah – I wouldn’t touch it unless you want some lead poisoning.